miss those kiddos

I was sick yesterday. Yup again.  Sigh.  Moving on.  Actually I'm not in a blog mood. My to do is so long.  I managed to balance my check book and pay my bills for the month. But there's that joint checkbook and the family bills.  Then there's scheduling appointments and trying to get a hold of social services.  In trying to find out the truth behind my background check that had kept me from helping out or seeing my god children. My friend made some choices that resulted in her no longer having them.  I tried to turn in a background check to get them or at least help out whomever had them.  I was informed it came back bad but any further details were sketchy. And so far my calls are not being returned. I also want to see about sending letters, cards, pictures ect.  One of the kids is in foster care in another town so I'm always hopeful that maybe I'll run into them at Walmart sometime. Another is here in town with family and I would love to help babysit especially since they are in the process of having a baby in another town. Another is in the group home Noah used to be at.  And I'd just love to send him a little love when things seem down.   But I'm awaiting a call back. I was told to just keep on it as the lady I'm  trying to contact is very busy.  I love those kids to pieces. I've been with them all since before they were born.  I've held them in sicknesses at the hospital, celebrated countless holidays and Helped with all their needs and watched them grow into beautiful individuals. Granted with changes in my life and theirs I wasn't around as much as I  should have been.  But they never doubted my love.  It was so much easier when they lived next door.  I may not technically be godmom  anymore but that doesn't change their place in my heart.  I also carry their picture in my wallet. I'm lucky enough that the friends who have the one here in town allow me to see her and recognize my part in the kids lives.  I'm forever grateful for that. And now I'm off to hopefully get something accomplished while i wait for a call.  But I'm not holding my breath.

stuck

I have tons of things to blog. On many topics.  Instead of bouncing from topic to topic I will pick something each day and unload.
Today my health.  I've got to get it on track. But that's hard when the specialist can't get me in until February.  We've pretty much determined I have an autoimmune disease.  Which answers a lot but leaves a lot unanswered.  I don't want to use it add an excuse for any of my actions but I want to understand.  Some of these symptoms I've had since a teenager.  Others are new.  I've known something wasn't right but when test after test after test said I was fine and healthy as can be I got discouraged and sort of gave up. Then a week before thanksgiving my knees hurt.  Eventually bad enough I needed help to stand up and it hurt so bad I wanted to cry every step i took. This brought up flaws with previous doctors and the lead to the blood test to send me to the next specialist. They're thinking lupus.  And as long as it doesn't attack my viral organs I should be pretty okay to live like I have.  Although Losing this weight will likely help my joints in the long run.  I asked the doc about my weight a while back and was informed my blood work was so awesome the only thing I'd really need to lose the weight for was my view of myself.  From a health standpoint it wasn't causing issue.  Keep in mind here if look it up my bmi is a 41. Obese is anything above 30. Every time I try to go for a healthier lifestyle my hubby says oh hell no. We're a meat and potatoes kind of people.  And the kids usually cry they're starving (far from mind you).  But I don't have the will power to do this on my own.  I actually don't eat enough which is most of my problem. Ugh.  I try.  And I'll keep trying.  But damn.  We've all pretty much stayed away from fast food though. Maybe a one a month deal. Not being able to afford it helps.  Okay so I'm going to stop here today.  I basically just feel stuck right now in the health department. But I'm able to walk again and for that I'm ever so happy.  Amazing what a person takes for granted even when they don't think they do!

interesting

I just got done reading.  And deleting some of my previous posts.  Determined to rekindle my blog (or maybe start a new one).  I thought by reading the past I would maybe get a feel of who I was. Who I am. And where I wanted to go with this.  Then just before clicking to write (or find a way to delete this blog entirely) I see there's been some posts to my cousin's blog.  Which has been dormant for several years.  Actually in those dormant years I have only posted minimally at best myself.  So I click on her first of recent posts and learned a lot.  And again was reminded how much the "close" relationships I once had I now know nothing about.  Life changes people and circumstances. And as much as I no longer know....neither do they.  But I don't like to gossip. I don't like to brag and boast.  I don't want to look for pity or praise.  I don't want to be an interruption or annoyance or a burden for others to bear.  And so I keep to myself.  Whoever that even is anymore.  I'm going through a lot.  My family (as in the ones who reside with me) are going through SOME of it with me.  In different ways.  Other parts I am going through myself.  Opting to lean only on myself. Which for the most part I prefer.  But I do need an outlet which brings me back here.  And I invite anyone who cares to know and I mean really know me too read at their own discretion and to tread lightly if ever bringing it out of my blog.  I will not sensor myself.  And I will not look to see who my viewers may be.  I will not apologize for being myself or holding my opinions.  And depending on the situation or emotion involved this is subject to change.  That being said welcome back to my blog.

First day of sanity (er....school)

The kids weren't too bad this morning. (this is not normal). Noah however seems to think it's prefectly acceptable to be going through a 2 year old stage.....he's the oldest kid we have full time and he at times acts the youngest. Such a headache. Finally i had to put my foot down and say no to football and anything else until he takes on the responsibilities he has. And really I don't ask much of the kids so this shouldn't be hard. My 7 year old special needs step son takes on more responsibility!! I wish I could say it was just a stage but *sigh* such is life with my son. He always resorts to "I want my dad" "dad" in this case left 6 years ago at least and has had no contact with him......I told my son he just as well embrace the fact that he has 2 perfectly good and more than REAL dads right here in town. Mike and Austin both try all they can for him. breaks my heart really. I am supposed to be on a vaca this week as I wasn't supposed to be babysitting (the ex is on medical leave for a week) but there have been some issues I guess so maybe vaca will start tomorrow. We got all the medical records for my step son so now we can get him more specialized care and hopefully get him on the right track towards the right therapy or help to let him excel. There are some who are convinced he is autistic. I am not convinced it's that but I am also not convinced he's "just slow". I know I am all over the place in this blog but this is more for my therapy anyways......at least until my mind can focus.......with 6 kids don't hold your breath LOL. I should know better than to sit here with food network on......oh boy.  Usually I cook up a Thanksgiving dinner to feed a small army complete with leftovers but this year my due date falls too close to plan it that way. Bummed out on that one cuz the pumpkin cheesecake was a hit and I found a new cheesecake recipie I wanna try out for it. Maybe I'll still be able to sneak in something......hmmm......well Dryer just got done so back to this housewife gig.....(the stay at home mom job is hard but i love the housewife job :)

Not often enough.

So again you can ignore my past posts as they are quite out of date. Although there have been many changes to my life since that post I am not going to go through and update every detail so you will enevitably just have to catch up on your own. And now we start with......today.

It's Monday....usually a dreaded day of the week....and had I known I'd spend much of my time near the bathroom I would have dreaded it LOL. I'm a little over 25 weeks pregnant and this one has been interesting to say the least. Anyways I looked forward to today and have accomplished a small amount of tasks despite my set backs and will try again tomorrow for the things I couldn't do. Not that there was any real reason to look forward to a Monday except it's the last Monday of the kids' summer vacation. It's a semi busy week but I believe it's the first week I'm not stressing over some kind of sports schedule! My accomplishments of the day entail cleaning a cluttered back hallway....all I have left is the few shelves I couldn't reach without a step stool. (this will likely be done shortly after this blog) For a little catch up I am now a stay at home mom. 3 kids full time and 2 every other weekend (those weekends by the way we have all 5 of our children). And no you didn't miss it there is a 6th on the way......boy number 5. As if this isn't enough to keep someone busy I also babysit my ex husband's son Mon-Fri. and we have a dog, cat and 3 fish. And if I failed to mention one of our kids is a special needs child....don't know what it is exactly as the school has labeled him as "just slow".  I am not at all happy with that answer as there is more to it than that--they're just LAZY and want a grant check. Gotta love the money hungry who forget after placing the decimal point what the real point of the matter at hand really is.  Nothing exciting to this blog but at least it's a blog and hopefully I can start to keep it current and hopefully again someday make it interesting!!

The past is over....Ignore all previous posts LOL

So it has been some time now since I sat down to my blog. I didn't bother to read any previous posts and advise you to do the same. You see I had to edit my profile....my name was wrong, my marital status was wrong and in the past for some time life was wrong. Granted that doesn't mean everything is right in my world but hey it is what it is.
Where to start: well, I'm stressed beyond anyone's wildest imagination. I jumped on the scale yesterday seeming as after a weekend shopping trip I deemed my self to be rather blubbery only to find I have only gained 6 pounds since my last weigh in.....only 6....well then I know exactly where this 6 is.....my waist line. UGH. Guess I shouldn't complain seeming as this 6 pounds has probably kept me outta the hospital or out of the nice white jackets I see on tv but at any rate I went to the store and bought some diet food and then called the gym. You see part of the time that's missed includes a relationship that was beautiful and went beautifully wrong and now come early May I get the ever so bittersweet task of attending that particular ex's wedding to the girl he inevitably left me for. My shopping trip included trying on dresses which there was just not a one I was comfortable with.
My kids.....well in the past year I went from mom of 2 to adding the additions of 3 future step sons. This in itself is stress beyond stress. Responsibility and accountability and well noise LOL. When all the children are home we currently have an 11 year old 2 - 8 year olds (4 days apart in age and WAY to close in temperments) a 5 year old with special needs and of course the only princess to the group...my 4 year old. and well she got mama's additude. yikes. My son (the younger of the 8 year olds) has come so far.....off all meds and doing well in school. FINALLY.
New extended family: Not really sure who to pull out first. There's the dad in law....no one really ever sees though he is much around and even rarely do we hear from him as he is very quiet.  The mom in law...can I just scream. It seems it's her way or no way and man alive her way is far from my way and she manipulates situations for the greater good (meaning herself). She is far from quiet and VERY opinionated not to mention a nosy gossip who thinks all business is her business! the sis in law well she's nice mild mannered and well mama's girl......everything we tell her goes back to mom in law even if we ask it not to. seriously....UGH. of all the things she got from mom did it have to be the gossip. GRRR. there are 2 nephews I will inherit in this a 7 year old spoiled rotten brat and a sweet as can be 2 year old....both of which just add more BOYS to the mix. Oh did I mention we got a dog (Harley) who is also a boy....go figure. I realize I am ranting about these people but really when they are at their best I love them but somehow that's rare.
So I'm planning a wedding for September and because of butting heads we have tried our best to keep any and all family out of the details. WE are planning it and paying for it and it is OURS. And of course when a detail or 2 slips IT'S WRONG. REALLY!!?! so yup. and people wonder why I am stressed.
Then the work situation.....do I keep working this summer? I wanna BUT with my wages and daycare costs for 3 children well that means I bring in 1$/hour. (before taxes and insurance ect.) so really not worth it. oh and add in the gas to move that mini van across town....basically I'd be making nothing....volunteering. Is it worth it??? I've been there nearly 3 years so I must not hate it (actually most days it's a fine job). alright well I have things to do now.......wedding plans and projects and home cleaning and handy work. phooey.

Few and Far Between

Again there is soooo much on my mind and sooo much in my life has changed. Most at this point for the better. I am really for truly divorcing Austin....the first part of papers went to the court house this week. Looking at my last post I guess it was just 2 weeks after that when I got together with Chance.  I have liked this guy for a LOOOONNNGGGG time. And it took me forever it seems to get the guts to say how I felt. Now that I told him I can really never go back (and I don't ever want to). He makes me so happy. In my worst moments all it takes to make me feel better is to have him next to me. There is so much that we know about each other that most things any more go without saying or at least it seems that way. And we're at that point when you can just tell when something isn't quite right. I don't think I have ever been so happy in love in my whole life and that is so incredibly scary to me. I am also so attached to his little girl.....what a sweetheart!! And he is so great in helping me to deal with my kids. Every day he amazes me and I am so thankful he is in my life. I have also because of him met so many people I am so glad to call my friends now!!! This Christmas has been difficult for me. I had a major breaking point and physically drained myself. It's been so bad cuz I barely get to being able to handle daily life then something comes up and down I go again. And now the only downfall in my life is something is going on with my well......i don't know what to call her.......she was my best friend. Now I guess to me she's just Chance's sister. Anyways it's been entirely more drama then this girl can take. Life is hard enough on me these days. But anyways I gotta get off here .....my mood is going to shit too fast. Happy Holidays to all of you.......and don't ever let anyone kill your christmas spirit.....there is NO ONE worth that!!!!