So much on my mind...

We are so busy these days but due to illness my life slows for the week. I am still spending entirely too much time thinking and it's really driving me crazy. Things are going to crap with my hubby again. Not that I didn't see this comming because I did. I just suck so badly at alone and lonely. I guess that's why I didn't let myself get close to Chris...I knew he'd be gone all summer for work and that scared me. This is also why I didn't go for any military guys...the lonely times. There also goes some trust issues with all of that too but my main thing is for the selfish reason of I hate to be alone. I end up repeatedly in the debate of is my crappy parts worse then lonely. UGH. So now I am faced with wondering why Chris stopped talking to me, wondering why I never asked this question sooner, wondering why did I try to work on my broken marriage yet another time even though I knew he was moving on and I very well could have too. I'm going to guess the kids had something to do with it...I really hate putting them through all the crap. And I hate the whole dating scene...the nerves and anxiety (which trust me I need no more of then I already have). UGH. Another thing I will never understand is Mike...he's always looked out for me...since the beginning of our friendship...he's been my shoulder to cry on and the giver of great advise (none of which I ever seem to take and end up crying about the poor judgement yet again). Mike is like a brother to me anymore...I love the guy. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant with my son, the one I cry to every time my life goes to shit. He's the one who very bluntly told me that people viewed me as someone who couldn't hold a job and I needed to start taking controll of my life (i went out and got the job at marlin's--wow look at that, advice I actually took!!)(I am still at Marlin's over a year later). Finally I had the nerve to leave my hubby. Then Mike introduces me to Chris who seems like a really nice guy and Mike said he'd treat me right I just had to give it a chance and try something new (which would be the whole dating thing I've never done before). Shortly thereafter a "friend" of mine took advantage of the confused state I was in and well may have messed things up......I dunno. I know that some things were said to some people that just weren't true. I would like to think people would ask me about it but.....ya just never know. So, this "friend" disappeared, Chris quit talking to me and I thought I had become someone these people had little respect left for. I talked to Mike a few weeks ago and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. So now I am trying to figure out what happened that Chris went from texting me like clockwork to not hearing from him in 5 months now. After a month of no calls is when I instead of calling or texting to figure it out just went back to my life...and trying to fix things yet again. Now things are still broken as they have always been and I'm still confused and I'm lost. My hubby and I get along so well when we aren't "together" and that hurts me too. Why can't we coexsist....GRRR. I just don't get it. And I realize that people are going to start thinking I'm the one who just runs when times get tough.....well.....ask anyone who is close to me how much crap I've put up with....ask them if I ran when times got tough...cuz really...they've been tough. there is just a point when you aren't willing to put up with it all anymore. Is that what happens to anyone in a divorce.....does part of you stay stuck in the mode that there's something you love left there....that part your heart won't let go of? I have trouble believing it's my daughter...cuz I really am fine being away from my son's father...hell it's been 3 years since I've seen or heard from him and well, oh well. My kids are my world and my poor boy has gone through so much. He can be so hard to deal with...I don't want him to scare guys away being so difficult...but I don't want to be alone. He needs a guy in his life too...someone to look up to and learn the guy stuff....man do i ever understand where my sis is comming from on so many things. I don't think noah needs a dad though...I mean as long as Austin will he will be dad and then there's noah's bio dad that really no kid ever needs a dad like that. So anyways that's that. The big stuff on my mind. now i just sit and wait for my life to play out. it's too late to do anything about what's passed. I just wish I knew what to do about the days to come.

After over a year I apologize but now I return

Wow, has it really been that long since I have blogged here?? Surely there have been many events to blog about yet none have made it this far. I will try to update you on the more noteable and then bring you as current as I can muster. So....I will start with Dec. 08. we had what would have been an amazing holiday with all the family home (including mom and her boyfriend and the family dog) (not to mention my dear son who was residing at the time in a group home type facility) but the tension between my hubby and myself arose even amongst company and even our best efforts to maintain civility amongst company failed. (i hope that just made sense) long story short we fought for all to hear. yuck. other than that the holiday was perfect. In January I took the leap to go back to school. Took 4 of my 5 required gen eds. In February I took another big leap and left my hubby and home. Eventually hubby moved out to his own place and I went home. Shortly after we ended up sharing a car (again). I dated some, partied plenty and finished the spring semester in May with a 4.0!! GO ME! In June my son returned home on a permanent basis. after nearly a year my baby was home!! About that time hubby and I started re-working our marriage...everything was perfect...he was doing great handling me and the kids I was doing the same and the kids behaved in a manner of which I was beeming with pride. The summer flew by us in a flash I worked full time, my son went to a kids summer program and my daughter was enrolled in a new daycare which has been AMAZING! Hubby also worked and we spent much time as a family. We wrapped up the summer with the local festival, a family reunion and finally after nearly 2 years I got a trip home!! But the ending of the summer did not bring as much perfection as previously stated. I am now working 2 jobs....equivalent to 1 full time as well as going to school full time. My princess is going to a home based preschool program one night a week and my dear boy has entered cub scouts to a den with no leader at the moment. Life is busy. hubby is working 2 jobs as well. (you'd think we were making ends meet wouldn't ya) So.....the tension rose again and tempers have flared a few times....and well hubby still has his apartment so it's getting use. It's not all bad though and it will just take us some time to figure out our lives in non summer settings (at least I hope....cuz walking away is something I am just simply not strong enough to do and fankly I just don't wanna!) time will only tell. but you're basically up to speed on this life of mine...

changed mind

lol, I was going to write and let you all know where I've been........but I took the time to read yet another list of my cousin's and well, I'm gunna follow her lead and do the same list......

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Um really paying bills is something I feel great satisfaction when I do it....you see we are in a lot of debt and each payment (small as they may be) sends us closer to our freedom and that's something I feel good about. I don't however like scrambling to find the money to make those payments.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um well not sure it was really romantic seeming as the place was crowded but my hubby and I went to a Chinese buffet type place for Valentine's day in 2007.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
At first I might have said yes.....but giving it some thought my answer surprisingly is no. Although i wonder what ever happened to the guy lol.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be ?
My only regret is not being more bold in the past....or being more bold now lol. Other than that I am right where I am supposed to be.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Smith.....for some reason I remember all my teachers until we had to switch teachers for each class.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
lol I wanna be lying on a beach (100lbs lighter) sippin on a cocktail of some kind watchin the sunset.......ahhhh.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
there was the early childhood Dr. or Vet then I thought defense attorney, then I went for child care and now I have no clue!! sheesh. I just wanna be me.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
I went to Kilian Community College for half a semester

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? Comfy and not nice cuz I wasn't going anywhere special today lol

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
I hate em cuz it's keeping me away from my son

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere very scenic and with my kids.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
didn't have an alarm this morning just my girl climbing into bed to cuddle.....to which she couldn't get comfy.....so my first thought....just hold still so I can sleep a little longer

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
hmmm......guess i don't remember

14. Do you miss being a child?
yeah I guess so.......but being growed up ain't so bad either

15. Who is your best friend? Why are they your best friend?
Really......my sister. she's a bitch at times and I can hate her like you wouldn't believe but when it comes down to it she's the best. we've been through a lot and I'm sure there's much more to come.....but what can I say........everyone needs a rock.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
all of em. the store with 2 kids, and all the housework lol.......or oh here ya go......the children's Dr. appointments on immunization day.

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Most definitely......I did for about a year when my son was lil

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Please just let me sleep

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
I really couldn't tell ya

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a member of the opposite sex?
star gaze or go on walks........but guess what.......hubby has no clue.....go fig.

21. Have you found real love yet?
it's one of those things that comes and goes in my life....but i love when i have it and long for it when it's not here.

22. When did you first start feeling old?
when all my friend's little sisters and brothers started getting married.....or realizing the "kids" are 21!!

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Roast Beef

25. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
Something I don't need lol or wicked stares from people when my kids act up

26. Beach or lake?
BEACH!!

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Not if it's really real.

28. Do you own property?
I got me a crappy car and that's about it

29. Favorite Guilty pleasure?
DVR man i miss mine

30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
i don't know i like lots of movies and I ain't afraid of admitting any of them.

31. What’s your drink?
I haven't had an Italian soda in forever but I love those....thanks to my cousin.....which is why I even thought of it lol. otherwise Mt. Dew, Jack, and Bud light.....that's me

32. Cowboys or Indians?
If I had to choose......cowboy......

33. Cops or Robbers?
Cops....I think lol. It depends...

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
My friends......not that we've lost touch.....i just like to run into them :)

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
Hubby has the car.....so I dunno

36. Norm or Cliff?
didn't really watch the show much but I'd have to say norm.

37. Grey’s or ‘The Office?
don't watch

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Easy answer.........rushing things.

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
We don't sit and it depends on my title of the day......prepping I like who I work with. dishing I am either alone or really too busy to notice.

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
hmmm dinner with a famous person......maybe a royal person......at a royal dinner......something interesting

41. Indoors or outdoors?
summer and winter in fall and spring out

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
nope

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
nope

44. Last book you read?
think it was called daddy's girl

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
my kids stole em all

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
truck stop bathroom

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go? LA, San Fransisco, Disney, Sea World, any beach i haven't been to.....lol

48. Do you go to church?
when the spirit moves me i suppose lol

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship? I just started a new job.....and it's alright.....I wanna stay long enough for benefits to kick in lol........but a new relationship would be nice.

50. How old are you? I am about to turn the ripe old age of 25.....people say I'm young......but man i feel old. (and the Dr. called me old too lol)


so there ya go. and in a nutshell I've just been at work.

Soooooo

Today has been a long day for me. Hell, it's been a long day all week. There were applications filled out, turned in and for hubby a few interviews and some added hours at the part time job. But no new employment has been seen. bummers. I got to see my little man today and found out that he is doing great......i am happy to report that he is off all meds and the bags under his eyes are gone (i think in part due to he now has glasses) He looks so much older and handsome let me tell ya!! I keep finding it more and more obvious that my marriage is in a odd stage that not even I can manage to understand where it will go. He (hubby)did however tell me I can go to rally if I can get it together to go....apparently he knows how important rally is to me. I went into the mall today......baby girl's first time in the mall and I must say those over sized sun glasses I usually view to be kinda tacky (but are apparently the "in" thing) look great on her lol. I found lots of things I want and even found out a store my twig of a sister shops in is now carrying my fat size......I really REALLY want a job now!!! lol. I was actually eyeing some things at wal mart the other day too and said well, damn they really aren't helping with the initiative to lose weight.....they're all just making the clothes bigger. *sigh* oh well......health and well being should be good enough I suppose lol. I am still trying to figure out how I keep gaining slowly but steadily......the last time I discussed this with the Dr. (the ones I think are out to kill me lol) they're reply was "are you pregnant". Not sure I would be concerned about gaining weight if I was. And of course they ran yet another thyroid check......none of them ever come back telling them what they wanna see. So I keep gaining weight. arg. It would help if I didn't lose my breath before I even get my heart rate up......I was wrestling my hubby in a tickle war last night and was out of breath....checked the pulse....I might as well been watchin tv. grrr. I guess I will just keep trying...someday I'll get it right.

Now that's better

I feel better today and so I will continue my list from before. I believe I had stopped at 25 last time so here it goes again. (I don't know how long this will go seeming as I have a ton to do)

26) Somewhere inside there is a country girl...sometimes you can get a glimpse of that but if I let it all out I think everyone would be pretty surprised.

27) CHROME. my favorite color. shiny. i also like most metallic but chrome is my all time favorite.

28) I am a FORD and HARLEY kind of girl. Sadly I own neither and dream of both lol. (i want a cotton candy pink pick up with chrome rims and trim)

29) I love to fish. However I won't touch the fish, leeches, and forget salamanders. I will bait my own hook and all that good stuff but that's about it. weird huh!?!

30) I love Love LOVE to travel. Elevation changes make me really sick though. I've never been on a plane.

31) I love the mountains and the ocean.

32) I enjoy wedding planning......I could probably figure out most anything around here if I didn't have any restrictions.

33) I can't drive any manual transmission car. Anyone who has ever tried to teach me has only rode with me once. (3 people)

34) Paintballin' How fun would it be to get all my friends out there at once.

35) I like to bowl and play pool. Back in the day I wasn't half bad...now I'm no good at it but I still like it.

36) I love my kids but I think I want another boy.

37) I constantly feel like there is something really medically wrong with me. I've been through tons of tests which they claim there was nothing. I don't return to the Dr. cuz last time nothing was wrong I ended up with a specialist telling me I needed surgery asap. Specialist good, regular Dr. um no.

38) It really takes someone special to motivate me to follow my heart. ah who I am kidding it takes someone constantly "cheering me on"

39) I can forgive ALMOST everything.

40) I haven't been on a motorcycle since dad's been gone. (except sitting on his bike in the yard)

41) I have a fascination with landing planes (which is kinda why hubby is the one driving when we go past the airport).

42) My sister is my best friend.

43) I have a brother. Someday I will meet him.

44) I hate short socks and holes in my socks.

45) I am afraid of all needles except for tattoos. (I have 2 tats planned in the future)

46) In school I skipped track and field day cuz I just don't do running. I told everyone my "allergies" wouldn't allow it. I really do have trouble breathing when I run but it's not allergies.

47) My upper body strength sucks. My legs are strong though......well they used to be but it's been a long time since I've tested it out lol.

48) I try to learn how to do all the "guy" stuff. So I don't have to depend on a guy to do it.

49) I collect Disney movies and M & M dispensers.

50) I do themes in my decorating in my house. Kitchen = Sunflowers Bathroom = Tropical My Son's Room = Cars My Daughter's Room = was Precious Moments and is in transition to Elmo My Room - is kinda wolves but isn't coming together quite right Living Room - well, was supposed to be like a hunting lodge style with emphasis on eagles.....again it isn't coming together quite right.


But I suppose there looks to be 25 more random things about me. I sure do feel like typing more but the housework is calling me and this time I'm going to make myself get it all done.

Independence Day and Saving Money

So with little money and a little bit of low spirits due to my son being away I had to try and pull through on a holiday that normally I enjoy to the fullest.....a summer fun holiday. Originally I had thought out in my mind that I would do the home fireworks display of my childhood years....a large BBQ style picnic of sorts and get to the lake early enough to catch the city show. None of which happened. instead we grocery shopped, visited my dear uncle to discuss where to try and fish, and came home to concoct stinky stuff (catfish stink bait). soon after we hit Subway.....mmm. With our food in hand we drove out to the lake to look for a good spot to sit and eat. Finally found one and enjoyed our picnic. Not quite the envisioned but yummy, peaceful and good enough. After our picnic we wandered to the lake shore and I went camera happy on my little girl lol. Her favorite part........watching dad throw rock in the water. sheesh. After this we headed home again......no bathrooms and water at the lake......you put it together. We got home and found last years modest supply of leftover works and fired them off......to which this year baby girl liked the sparklers, thought anything that moved was scary and she told me that the snakes and glow worms were icky and looked like poop. We also got bit up by mosquitoes and decided it was time to head in for the night. All in all the 4th wasn't horrible. I miss my little man. I visited him on Thursday and they told me he was doing pretty well....just wish they wouldn't have told me it may be a long time before he comes home for sure. *sigh*

Being as our cars are costing us so much these days I have been trying to cut costs where and when we can....so I figure I'll let you in on what I've been doing in case you could use some of these ideas. (bear in mind I am not about extra work and like to live comfortable and so I'm not going out of my own limits to scrimp)

I finally got the hoses hooked up on my washer right so things get washed cold.

I don't run the washer till clothes are needed and I have a plan in place to not use the dryer if possible.

I don't run the dishwasher til it's full.

I shop at the dollar stores and buy store brands.....unless I find them to be crappy....then I will go back to the brand I know.

Pop and beer cans.....man were there ever a lot left behind at the lake last night......we went around and picked up some to get out of the house today and do something good. Cheap activity followed by hubby will turn them in and get $0.50 per pound for them.

We eat venison, pheasant and fish so we take advantage of fishing and hunting. 4 deer will get us through a year easily.

The Old Home Outlet store proved to be a big money saver for us.

There is a sprinkler park in the city Noah is in and it's free so we took baby girl there.

Jazz Fest is coming up.......more free entertainment if we make it out that way.

Savers (or any other thrift type store)......picked up some things we needed there.

Game Stop....traded in some old video games and got some new ones.....also bought em cheaper than new.

Watchin sales, finally using coupons, library books.

Instead of the outrageous price for a day at the pool (in which we will only stay an hour or 2) we got a wading pool in the back yard or we'll just go to the lake.

Turning off the power strip to the computer and related devices and the computer and it's counter parts when we aren't home and at night. (I read this can save $200 a year!!)

Shutting off the air and opening the windows at night only to turn the air back on if it's really that hot. (also shutting off the air when we're gone)

Freezing leftovers which also makes hubby's lunches easier. I also got the idea to do a restaurant night when the stock gets higher...that sounds fun.

So nothing too tricky just takes some getting used to. Oh and if you've got some suggestions I'm open to them.

Maybe I can find words

Well, dear hubby si not so fond of the moving on in our lives idea and this has caused us to bicker pretty much about everything there is to bicker about and then some. so not the low drama approach I had intended. Looks like it's going to be a harder thing to do then I realized. Hubby doesn't want me to get a job and in all reality I really can't at the moment.....I have no transportation (which looks to be a ways out yet) and no child care (which without a job I do not need). I really hope it's in the cards for me and my sis to get a girl's vacation at rally time....I know I need it and I think the rally in itself is something I need to close some doors and possibly open some others. Plus I miss my family "out west". It's time. But again we will see. My son called again the other day......I think he does it more for me then for himself anymore cuz he tells me the answers to my regular questions before I have the time to ask. They informed me that they are taking a trip to the Gymnastics Academy so I am sure durring my visit tomorrow I will hear all about it. Tomorrow is our 14 day review.....I hope this review has more answers than the 7 day counseling session. I do know that I learned nothing from the counseling session but the counselor might finally have something to go on lol. My mommy got the internet finally and fixed the old computer I gave her so now I get to talk to her every day!! I'm sure this will become less annoying when I go back to being the daughter and not the tech support person lol. Today is my cleaning day (okay they all are) and I am determined that I will get my list of chores done...TODAY. I am on a mission to change my procrasinating ways. we shall see. Step one, get off the computer.