So much on my mind...

We are so busy these days but due to illness my life slows for the week. I am still spending entirely too much time thinking and it's really driving me crazy. Things are going to crap with my hubby again. Not that I didn't see this comming because I did. I just suck so badly at alone and lonely. I guess that's why I didn't let myself get close to Chris...I knew he'd be gone all summer for work and that scared me. This is also why I didn't go for any military guys...the lonely times. There also goes some trust issues with all of that too but my main thing is for the selfish reason of I hate to be alone. I end up repeatedly in the debate of is my crappy parts worse then lonely. UGH. So now I am faced with wondering why Chris stopped talking to me, wondering why I never asked this question sooner, wondering why did I try to work on my broken marriage yet another time even though I knew he was moving on and I very well could have too. I'm going to guess the kids had something to do with it...I really hate putting them through all the crap. And I hate the whole dating scene...the nerves and anxiety (which trust me I need no more of then I already have). UGH. Another thing I will never understand is Mike...he's always looked out for me...since the beginning of our friendship...he's been my shoulder to cry on and the giver of great advise (none of which I ever seem to take and end up crying about the poor judgement yet again). Mike is like a brother to me anymore...I love the guy. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant with my son, the one I cry to every time my life goes to shit. He's the one who very bluntly told me that people viewed me as someone who couldn't hold a job and I needed to start taking controll of my life (i went out and got the job at marlin's--wow look at that, advice I actually took!!)(I am still at Marlin's over a year later). Finally I had the nerve to leave my hubby. Then Mike introduces me to Chris who seems like a really nice guy and Mike said he'd treat me right I just had to give it a chance and try something new (which would be the whole dating thing I've never done before). Shortly thereafter a "friend" of mine took advantage of the confused state I was in and well may have messed things up......I dunno. I know that some things were said to some people that just weren't true. I would like to think people would ask me about it but.....ya just never know. So, this "friend" disappeared, Chris quit talking to me and I thought I had become someone these people had little respect left for. I talked to Mike a few weeks ago and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. So now I am trying to figure out what happened that Chris went from texting me like clockwork to not hearing from him in 5 months now. After a month of no calls is when I instead of calling or texting to figure it out just went back to my life...and trying to fix things yet again. Now things are still broken as they have always been and I'm still confused and I'm lost. My hubby and I get along so well when we aren't "together" and that hurts me too. Why can't we coexsist....GRRR. I just don't get it. And I realize that people are going to start thinking I'm the one who just runs when times get tough.....well.....ask anyone who is close to me how much crap I've put up with....ask them if I ran when times got tough...cuz really...they've been tough. there is just a point when you aren't willing to put up with it all anymore. Is that what happens to anyone in a divorce.....does part of you stay stuck in the mode that there's something you love left there....that part your heart won't let go of? I have trouble believing it's my daughter...cuz I really am fine being away from my son's father...hell it's been 3 years since I've seen or heard from him and well, oh well. My kids are my world and my poor boy has gone through so much. He can be so hard to deal with...I don't want him to scare guys away being so difficult...but I don't want to be alone. He needs a guy in his life too...someone to look up to and learn the guy stuff....man do i ever understand where my sis is comming from on so many things. I don't think noah needs a dad though...I mean as long as Austin will he will be dad and then there's noah's bio dad that really no kid ever needs a dad like that. So anyways that's that. The big stuff on my mind. now i just sit and wait for my life to play out. it's too late to do anything about what's passed. I just wish I knew what to do about the days to come.