miss those kiddos

I was sick yesterday. Yup again.  Sigh.  Moving on.  Actually I'm not in a blog mood. My to do is so long.  I managed to balance my check book and pay my bills for the month. But there's that joint checkbook and the family bills.  Then there's scheduling appointments and trying to get a hold of social services.  In trying to find out the truth behind my background check that had kept me from helping out or seeing my god children. My friend made some choices that resulted in her no longer having them.  I tried to turn in a background check to get them or at least help out whomever had them.  I was informed it came back bad but any further details were sketchy. And so far my calls are not being returned. I also want to see about sending letters, cards, pictures ect.  One of the kids is in foster care in another town so I'm always hopeful that maybe I'll run into them at Walmart sometime. Another is here in town with family and I would love to help babysit especially since they are in the process of having a baby in another town. Another is in the group home Noah used to be at.  And I'd just love to send him a little love when things seem down.   But I'm awaiting a call back. I was told to just keep on it as the lady I'm  trying to contact is very busy.  I love those kids to pieces. I've been with them all since before they were born.  I've held them in sicknesses at the hospital, celebrated countless holidays and Helped with all their needs and watched them grow into beautiful individuals. Granted with changes in my life and theirs I wasn't around as much as I  should have been.  But they never doubted my love.  It was so much easier when they lived next door.  I may not technically be godmom  anymore but that doesn't change their place in my heart.  I also carry their picture in my wallet. I'm lucky enough that the friends who have the one here in town allow me to see her and recognize my part in the kids lives.  I'm forever grateful for that. And now I'm off to hopefully get something accomplished while i wait for a call.  But I'm not holding my breath.

stuck

I have tons of things to blog. On many topics.  Instead of bouncing from topic to topic I will pick something each day and unload.
Today my health.  I've got to get it on track. But that's hard when the specialist can't get me in until February.  We've pretty much determined I have an autoimmune disease.  Which answers a lot but leaves a lot unanswered.  I don't want to use it add an excuse for any of my actions but I want to understand.  Some of these symptoms I've had since a teenager.  Others are new.  I've known something wasn't right but when test after test after test said I was fine and healthy as can be I got discouraged and sort of gave up. Then a week before thanksgiving my knees hurt.  Eventually bad enough I needed help to stand up and it hurt so bad I wanted to cry every step i took. This brought up flaws with previous doctors and the lead to the blood test to send me to the next specialist. They're thinking lupus.  And as long as it doesn't attack my viral organs I should be pretty okay to live like I have.  Although Losing this weight will likely help my joints in the long run.  I asked the doc about my weight a while back and was informed my blood work was so awesome the only thing I'd really need to lose the weight for was my view of myself.  From a health standpoint it wasn't causing issue.  Keep in mind here if look it up my bmi is a 41. Obese is anything above 30. Every time I try to go for a healthier lifestyle my hubby says oh hell no. We're a meat and potatoes kind of people.  And the kids usually cry they're starving (far from mind you).  But I don't have the will power to do this on my own.  I actually don't eat enough which is most of my problem. Ugh.  I try.  And I'll keep trying.  But damn.  We've all pretty much stayed away from fast food though. Maybe a one a month deal. Not being able to afford it helps.  Okay so I'm going to stop here today.  I basically just feel stuck right now in the health department. But I'm able to walk again and for that I'm ever so happy.  Amazing what a person takes for granted even when they don't think they do!

interesting

I just got done reading.  And deleting some of my previous posts.  Determined to rekindle my blog (or maybe start a new one).  I thought by reading the past I would maybe get a feel of who I was. Who I am. And where I wanted to go with this.  Then just before clicking to write (or find a way to delete this blog entirely) I see there's been some posts to my cousin's blog.  Which has been dormant for several years.  Actually in those dormant years I have only posted minimally at best myself.  So I click on her first of recent posts and learned a lot.  And again was reminded how much the "close" relationships I once had I now know nothing about.  Life changes people and circumstances. And as much as I no longer know....neither do they.  But I don't like to gossip. I don't like to brag and boast.  I don't want to look for pity or praise.  I don't want to be an interruption or annoyance or a burden for others to bear.  And so I keep to myself.  Whoever that even is anymore.  I'm going through a lot.  My family (as in the ones who reside with me) are going through SOME of it with me.  In different ways.  Other parts I am going through myself.  Opting to lean only on myself. Which for the most part I prefer.  But I do need an outlet which brings me back here.  And I invite anyone who cares to know and I mean really know me too read at their own discretion and to tread lightly if ever bringing it out of my blog.  I will not sensor myself.  And I will not look to see who my viewers may be.  I will not apologize for being myself or holding my opinions.  And depending on the situation or emotion involved this is subject to change.  That being said welcome back to my blog.