First day of sanity (er....school)

The kids weren't too bad this morning. (this is not normal). Noah however seems to think it's prefectly acceptable to be going through a 2 year old stage.....he's the oldest kid we have full time and he at times acts the youngest. Such a headache. Finally i had to put my foot down and say no to football and anything else until he takes on the responsibilities he has. And really I don't ask much of the kids so this shouldn't be hard. My 7 year old special needs step son takes on more responsibility!! I wish I could say it was just a stage but *sigh* such is life with my son. He always resorts to "I want my dad" "dad" in this case left 6 years ago at least and has had no contact with him......I told my son he just as well embrace the fact that he has 2 perfectly good and more than REAL dads right here in town. Mike and Austin both try all they can for him. breaks my heart really. I am supposed to be on a vaca this week as I wasn't supposed to be babysitting (the ex is on medical leave for a week) but there have been some issues I guess so maybe vaca will start tomorrow. We got all the medical records for my step son so now we can get him more specialized care and hopefully get him on the right track towards the right therapy or help to let him excel. There are some who are convinced he is autistic. I am not convinced it's that but I am also not convinced he's "just slow". I know I am all over the place in this blog but this is more for my therapy anyways......at least until my mind can focus.......with 6 kids don't hold your breath LOL. I should know better than to sit here with food network on......oh boy.  Usually I cook up a Thanksgiving dinner to feed a small army complete with leftovers but this year my due date falls too close to plan it that way. Bummed out on that one cuz the pumpkin cheesecake was a hit and I found a new cheesecake recipie I wanna try out for it. Maybe I'll still be able to sneak in something......hmmm......well Dryer just got done so back to this housewife gig.....(the stay at home mom job is hard but i love the housewife job :)

Not often enough.

So again you can ignore my past posts as they are quite out of date. Although there have been many changes to my life since that post I am not going to go through and update every detail so you will enevitably just have to catch up on your own. And now we start with......today.

It's Monday....usually a dreaded day of the week....and had I known I'd spend much of my time near the bathroom I would have dreaded it LOL. I'm a little over 25 weeks pregnant and this one has been interesting to say the least. Anyways I looked forward to today and have accomplished a small amount of tasks despite my set backs and will try again tomorrow for the things I couldn't do. Not that there was any real reason to look forward to a Monday except it's the last Monday of the kids' summer vacation. It's a semi busy week but I believe it's the first week I'm not stressing over some kind of sports schedule! My accomplishments of the day entail cleaning a cluttered back hallway....all I have left is the few shelves I couldn't reach without a step stool. (this will likely be done shortly after this blog) For a little catch up I am now a stay at home mom. 3 kids full time and 2 every other weekend (those weekends by the way we have all 5 of our children). And no you didn't miss it there is a 6th on the way......boy number 5. As if this isn't enough to keep someone busy I also babysit my ex husband's son Mon-Fri. and we have a dog, cat and 3 fish. And if I failed to mention one of our kids is a special needs child....don't know what it is exactly as the school has labeled him as "just slow".  I am not at all happy with that answer as there is more to it than that--they're just LAZY and want a grant check. Gotta love the money hungry who forget after placing the decimal point what the real point of the matter at hand really is.  Nothing exciting to this blog but at least it's a blog and hopefully I can start to keep it current and hopefully again someday make it interesting!!

The past is over....Ignore all previous posts LOL

So it has been some time now since I sat down to my blog. I didn't bother to read any previous posts and advise you to do the same. You see I had to edit my profile....my name was wrong, my marital status was wrong and in the past for some time life was wrong. Granted that doesn't mean everything is right in my world but hey it is what it is.
Where to start: well, I'm stressed beyond anyone's wildest imagination. I jumped on the scale yesterday seeming as after a weekend shopping trip I deemed my self to be rather blubbery only to find I have only gained 6 pounds since my last weigh in.....only 6....well then I know exactly where this 6 is.....my waist line. UGH. Guess I shouldn't complain seeming as this 6 pounds has probably kept me outta the hospital or out of the nice white jackets I see on tv but at any rate I went to the store and bought some diet food and then called the gym. You see part of the time that's missed includes a relationship that was beautiful and went beautifully wrong and now come early May I get the ever so bittersweet task of attending that particular ex's wedding to the girl he inevitably left me for. My shopping trip included trying on dresses which there was just not a one I was comfortable with.
My kids.....well in the past year I went from mom of 2 to adding the additions of 3 future step sons. This in itself is stress beyond stress. Responsibility and accountability and well noise LOL. When all the children are home we currently have an 11 year old 2 - 8 year olds (4 days apart in age and WAY to close in temperments) a 5 year old with special needs and of course the only princess to the group...my 4 year old. and well she got mama's additude. yikes. My son (the younger of the 8 year olds) has come so far.....off all meds and doing well in school. FINALLY.
New extended family: Not really sure who to pull out first. There's the dad in law....no one really ever sees though he is much around and even rarely do we hear from him as he is very quiet.  The mom in law...can I just scream. It seems it's her way or no way and man alive her way is far from my way and she manipulates situations for the greater good (meaning herself). She is far from quiet and VERY opinionated not to mention a nosy gossip who thinks all business is her business! the sis in law well she's nice mild mannered and well mama's girl......everything we tell her goes back to mom in law even if we ask it not to. seriously....UGH. of all the things she got from mom did it have to be the gossip. GRRR. there are 2 nephews I will inherit in this a 7 year old spoiled rotten brat and a sweet as can be 2 year old....both of which just add more BOYS to the mix. Oh did I mention we got a dog (Harley) who is also a boy....go figure. I realize I am ranting about these people but really when they are at their best I love them but somehow that's rare.
So I'm planning a wedding for September and because of butting heads we have tried our best to keep any and all family out of the details. WE are planning it and paying for it and it is OURS. And of course when a detail or 2 slips IT'S WRONG. REALLY!!?! so yup. and people wonder why I am stressed.
Then the work situation.....do I keep working this summer? I wanna BUT with my wages and daycare costs for 3 children well that means I bring in 1$/hour. (before taxes and insurance ect.) so really not worth it. oh and add in the gas to move that mini van across town....basically I'd be making nothing....volunteering. Is it worth it??? I've been there nearly 3 years so I must not hate it (actually most days it's a fine job). alright well I have things to do now.......wedding plans and projects and home cleaning and handy work. phooey.

Few and Far Between

Again there is soooo much on my mind and sooo much in my life has changed. Most at this point for the better. I am really for truly divorcing Austin....the first part of papers went to the court house this week. Looking at my last post I guess it was just 2 weeks after that when I got together with Chance.  I have liked this guy for a LOOOONNNGGGG time. And it took me forever it seems to get the guts to say how I felt. Now that I told him I can really never go back (and I don't ever want to). He makes me so happy. In my worst moments all it takes to make me feel better is to have him next to me. There is so much that we know about each other that most things any more go without saying or at least it seems that way. And we're at that point when you can just tell when something isn't quite right. I don't think I have ever been so happy in love in my whole life and that is so incredibly scary to me. I am also so attached to his little girl.....what a sweetheart!! And he is so great in helping me to deal with my kids. Every day he amazes me and I am so thankful he is in my life. I have also because of him met so many people I am so glad to call my friends now!!! This Christmas has been difficult for me. I had a major breaking point and physically drained myself. It's been so bad cuz I barely get to being able to handle daily life then something comes up and down I go again. And now the only downfall in my life is something is going on with my well......i don't know what to call her.......she was my best friend. Now I guess to me she's just Chance's sister. Anyways it's been entirely more drama then this girl can take. Life is hard enough on me these days. But anyways I gotta get off here .....my mood is going to shit too fast. Happy Holidays to all of you.......and don't ever let anyone kill your christmas spirit.....there is NO ONE worth that!!!!

So much on my mind...

We are so busy these days but due to illness my life slows for the week. I am still spending entirely too much time thinking and it's really driving me crazy. Things are going to crap with my hubby again. Not that I didn't see this comming because I did. I just suck so badly at alone and lonely. I guess that's why I didn't let myself get close to Chris...I knew he'd be gone all summer for work and that scared me. This is also why I didn't go for any military guys...the lonely times. There also goes some trust issues with all of that too but my main thing is for the selfish reason of I hate to be alone. I end up repeatedly in the debate of is my crappy parts worse then lonely. UGH. So now I am faced with wondering why Chris stopped talking to me, wondering why I never asked this question sooner, wondering why did I try to work on my broken marriage yet another time even though I knew he was moving on and I very well could have too. I'm going to guess the kids had something to do with it...I really hate putting them through all the crap. And I hate the whole dating scene...the nerves and anxiety (which trust me I need no more of then I already have). UGH. Another thing I will never understand is Mike...he's always looked out for me...since the beginning of our friendship...he's been my shoulder to cry on and the giver of great advise (none of which I ever seem to take and end up crying about the poor judgement yet again). Mike is like a brother to me anymore...I love the guy. He was the first person I told when I was pregnant with my son, the one I cry to every time my life goes to shit. He's the one who very bluntly told me that people viewed me as someone who couldn't hold a job and I needed to start taking controll of my life (i went out and got the job at marlin's--wow look at that, advice I actually took!!)(I am still at Marlin's over a year later). Finally I had the nerve to leave my hubby. Then Mike introduces me to Chris who seems like a really nice guy and Mike said he'd treat me right I just had to give it a chance and try something new (which would be the whole dating thing I've never done before). Shortly thereafter a "friend" of mine took advantage of the confused state I was in and well may have messed things up......I dunno. I know that some things were said to some people that just weren't true. I would like to think people would ask me about it but.....ya just never know. So, this "friend" disappeared, Chris quit talking to me and I thought I had become someone these people had little respect left for. I talked to Mike a few weeks ago and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. So now I am trying to figure out what happened that Chris went from texting me like clockwork to not hearing from him in 5 months now. After a month of no calls is when I instead of calling or texting to figure it out just went back to my life...and trying to fix things yet again. Now things are still broken as they have always been and I'm still confused and I'm lost. My hubby and I get along so well when we aren't "together" and that hurts me too. Why can't we coexsist....GRRR. I just don't get it. And I realize that people are going to start thinking I'm the one who just runs when times get tough.....well.....ask anyone who is close to me how much crap I've put up with....ask them if I ran when times got tough...cuz really...they've been tough. there is just a point when you aren't willing to put up with it all anymore. Is that what happens to anyone in a divorce.....does part of you stay stuck in the mode that there's something you love left there....that part your heart won't let go of? I have trouble believing it's my daughter...cuz I really am fine being away from my son's father...hell it's been 3 years since I've seen or heard from him and well, oh well. My kids are my world and my poor boy has gone through so much. He can be so hard to deal with...I don't want him to scare guys away being so difficult...but I don't want to be alone. He needs a guy in his life too...someone to look up to and learn the guy stuff....man do i ever understand where my sis is comming from on so many things. I don't think noah needs a dad though...I mean as long as Austin will he will be dad and then there's noah's bio dad that really no kid ever needs a dad like that. So anyways that's that. The big stuff on my mind. now i just sit and wait for my life to play out. it's too late to do anything about what's passed. I just wish I knew what to do about the days to come.

After over a year I apologize but now I return

Wow, has it really been that long since I have blogged here?? Surely there have been many events to blog about yet none have made it this far. I will try to update you on the more noteable and then bring you as current as I can muster. So....I will start with Dec. 08. we had what would have been an amazing holiday with all the family home (including mom and her boyfriend and the family dog) (not to mention my dear son who was residing at the time in a group home type facility) but the tension between my hubby and myself arose even amongst company and even our best efforts to maintain civility amongst company failed. (i hope that just made sense) long story short we fought for all to hear. yuck. other than that the holiday was perfect. In January I took the leap to go back to school. Took 4 of my 5 required gen eds. In February I took another big leap and left my hubby and home. Eventually hubby moved out to his own place and I went home. Shortly after we ended up sharing a car (again). I dated some, partied plenty and finished the spring semester in May with a 4.0!! GO ME! In June my son returned home on a permanent basis. after nearly a year my baby was home!! About that time hubby and I started re-working our marriage...everything was perfect...he was doing great handling me and the kids I was doing the same and the kids behaved in a manner of which I was beeming with pride. The summer flew by us in a flash I worked full time, my son went to a kids summer program and my daughter was enrolled in a new daycare which has been AMAZING! Hubby also worked and we spent much time as a family. We wrapped up the summer with the local festival, a family reunion and finally after nearly 2 years I got a trip home!! But the ending of the summer did not bring as much perfection as previously stated. I am now working 2 jobs....equivalent to 1 full time as well as going to school full time. My princess is going to a home based preschool program one night a week and my dear boy has entered cub scouts to a den with no leader at the moment. Life is busy. hubby is working 2 jobs as well. (you'd think we were making ends meet wouldn't ya) So.....the tension rose again and tempers have flared a few times....and well hubby still has his apartment so it's getting use. It's not all bad though and it will just take us some time to figure out our lives in non summer settings (at least I hope....cuz walking away is something I am just simply not strong enough to do and fankly I just don't wanna!) time will only tell. but you're basically up to speed on this life of mine...

changed mind

lol, I was going to write and let you all know where I've been........but I took the time to read yet another list of my cousin's and well, I'm gunna follow her lead and do the same list......

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Um really paying bills is something I feel great satisfaction when I do it....you see we are in a lot of debt and each payment (small as they may be) sends us closer to our freedom and that's something I feel good about. I don't however like scrambling to find the money to make those payments.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um well not sure it was really romantic seeming as the place was crowded but my hubby and I went to a Chinese buffet type place for Valentine's day in 2007.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
At first I might have said yes.....but giving it some thought my answer surprisingly is no. Although i wonder what ever happened to the guy lol.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be ?
My only regret is not being more bold in the past....or being more bold now lol. Other than that I am right where I am supposed to be.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Smith.....for some reason I remember all my teachers until we had to switch teachers for each class.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
lol I wanna be lying on a beach (100lbs lighter) sippin on a cocktail of some kind watchin the sunset.......ahhhh.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
there was the early childhood Dr. or Vet then I thought defense attorney, then I went for child care and now I have no clue!! sheesh. I just wanna be me.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
I went to Kilian Community College for half a semester

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? Comfy and not nice cuz I wasn't going anywhere special today lol

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
I hate em cuz it's keeping me away from my son

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere very scenic and with my kids.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
didn't have an alarm this morning just my girl climbing into bed to cuddle.....to which she couldn't get comfy.....so my first thought....just hold still so I can sleep a little longer

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
hmmm......guess i don't remember

14. Do you miss being a child?
yeah I guess so.......but being growed up ain't so bad either

15. Who is your best friend? Why are they your best friend?
Really......my sister. she's a bitch at times and I can hate her like you wouldn't believe but when it comes down to it she's the best. we've been through a lot and I'm sure there's much more to come.....but what can I say........everyone needs a rock.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
all of em. the store with 2 kids, and all the housework lol.......or oh here ya go......the children's Dr. appointments on immunization day.

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Most definitely......I did for about a year when my son was lil

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Please just let me sleep

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
I really couldn't tell ya

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a member of the opposite sex?
star gaze or go on walks........but guess what.......hubby has no clue.....go fig.

21. Have you found real love yet?
it's one of those things that comes and goes in my life....but i love when i have it and long for it when it's not here.

22. When did you first start feeling old?
when all my friend's little sisters and brothers started getting married.....or realizing the "kids" are 21!!

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Roast Beef

25. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
Something I don't need lol or wicked stares from people when my kids act up

26. Beach or lake?
BEACH!!

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Not if it's really real.

28. Do you own property?
I got me a crappy car and that's about it

29. Favorite Guilty pleasure?
DVR man i miss mine

30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
i don't know i like lots of movies and I ain't afraid of admitting any of them.

31. What’s your drink?
I haven't had an Italian soda in forever but I love those....thanks to my cousin.....which is why I even thought of it lol. otherwise Mt. Dew, Jack, and Bud light.....that's me

32. Cowboys or Indians?
If I had to choose......cowboy......

33. Cops or Robbers?
Cops....I think lol. It depends...

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
My friends......not that we've lost touch.....i just like to run into them :)

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
Hubby has the car.....so I dunno

36. Norm or Cliff?
didn't really watch the show much but I'd have to say norm.

37. Grey’s or ‘The Office?
don't watch

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Easy answer.........rushing things.

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
We don't sit and it depends on my title of the day......prepping I like who I work with. dishing I am either alone or really too busy to notice.

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
hmmm dinner with a famous person......maybe a royal person......at a royal dinner......something interesting

41. Indoors or outdoors?
summer and winter in fall and spring out

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
nope

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
nope

44. Last book you read?
think it was called daddy's girl

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
my kids stole em all

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
truck stop bathroom

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go? LA, San Fransisco, Disney, Sea World, any beach i haven't been to.....lol

48. Do you go to church?
when the spirit moves me i suppose lol

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship? I just started a new job.....and it's alright.....I wanna stay long enough for benefits to kick in lol........but a new relationship would be nice.

50. How old are you? I am about to turn the ripe old age of 25.....people say I'm young......but man i feel old. (and the Dr. called me old too lol)


so there ya go. and in a nutshell I've just been at work.